34heffernan
says:
A really pleasing effort Jasmine. I liked how you used the emotions of guilt and pity to help create a happy resolution. I liked some of your descriptions and your attempts to use direct speech.
I was a little confused when the bunnies stole the carrot and took it to their hideout. I wondered how they could offer to share the carrot with Pipi? Did they leave Pipi behind when they stole it or had Pipi followed them? I think there was good opportunity to build up your 'series of events' and engage the reader by talking about how Pipi followed the others. You could have described the chase, how she hopped furiously through the bushes after them, how she was afraid and angry about the carrot being stolen, and how the forest became darker and the bushes became tougher so that they scratched at her fur and ears.
I can see that you made a couple of spelling and punctuation errors at the end and that suggests that you had to rush to finish.
Overall, though, a very pleasing effort and your thinking, vocabulary and use of punctuation continue to improve:)
Mr H
it was really good i liked the cute pitures.
sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute
And plz read my stories
great!
A really pleasing effort Jasmine. I liked how you used the emotions of guilt and pity to help create a happy resolution. I liked some of your descriptions and your attempts to use direct speech.
I was a little confused when the bunnies stole the carrot and took it to their hideout. I wondered how they could offer to share the carrot with Pipi? Did they leave Pipi behind when they stole it or had Pipi followed them? I think there was good opportunity to build up your 'series of events' and engage the reader by talking about how Pipi followed the others. You could have described the chase, how she hopped furiously through the bushes after them, how she was afraid and angry about the carrot being stolen, and how the forest became darker and the bushes became tougher so that they scratched at her fur and ears.
I can see that you made a couple of spelling and punctuation errors at the end and that suggests that you had to rush to finish.
Overall, though, a very pleasing effort and your thinking, vocabulary and use of punctuation continue to improve:)
Mr H