~Numbness is better than feeling something~
How To Say Goodbye
I Miss Her
They played a bunch of songs at my sister’s funereal.
I was her big brother, I think I was supposed to act like nothing was wrong. At all.
But I felt like a lot of things were wrong.
And also annoying me. Like for example, the random people there.
Most of the people there never knew my sister at all. Mom told me that it’s really different for kid funereal.
I felt like everybody in the entire world was there.
My older brother who moved out a long time ago.
My uncles and aunts and cousins were there.
And my Dad of course.
It was held in this huge church with purple stained windows that lit up the whole room.
We met the priest before, because we got to the church early. I guess so more people could say ‘’I’m sorry’’ again and cry on your shoulder.
Which made me feel even worse.
What were they sorry about? They hadn’t seen her die. They weren’t even related to me in blood.
‘’Honey sit down. Just breathe,’’ Mom put a arm around my shoulder.
‘’I am breathing’’ I muttered.
‘’Of course. Of course’’ she squeezed my hand.
I let her, so she could have something to hold during the funereal I don’t think I was sad. I just didn’t feel anything anymore.
Numbness was better than feeling something, because then you wouldn’t be sad.
That’s what I thought at least.
‘’Hey kiddo’’ Dad slid next to me.
‘’Oh. Hey Dad’’ I scooched a little closer to Mom.
The funereal started really quick after that and I couldn’t stop staring at the box.
It was super small, I didn’t expect my little sister to fit in there.
The coffin was pink and covered with tons of blue outlines of fish. She had loved fish.
‘’Do you want to go say bye?’’ Dad whispered to me.
‘’In front of everybody?’’ I asked quietly.
Mom put a hand on my shoulder.
‘’Go ahead honey. Nobody is judging,’’ she gave me a little smile.
I hadn’t seen her smile in forever. Ever since she died.
So I quietly tiptoed over to the coffin, shuffling my black shoes.
The whole place was quiet, even the old man who kept sniffling. I wonder if he had a cold.
The blue lid was open so I could see her.
But I didn’t want to.
She was already gone.
So I just stared at her, the pale face. She didn’t look like my little sister. More like a puffed up clown with makeup.
I licked my thump and wiped away her lipstick.
The place was getting a little louder.
Everything caught my eye.
Some tissue flying around, the clap of a bible closing.
I turned back to her and let out a shaky sigh. Mom said that makeup wasn’t allowed on her. She was to young.
And then my lower lip trembled.
And then the tears just rolled off my face.
And then my shoulders started shaking.
‘’Alright you can sit down now’’ The priest said quietly to me.
I wish I didn’t have to say goodbye.
It wasn’t even fair. None of this was fair.
I sat back in the pew and Mom and Dad both put a arm around my shoulder.
When the coffin was finally bolted together, I knew that was the last time I would ever see my little sister.
And it hurt.
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