marigold’s world
alone again
the time is three minutes past midnight, and i am at home. alone.
so yes, here i am typing away, unaware what i’m on about really, but i’ll try and distract myself with words. let me introduce myself!
hello, i am marigold flores.
wow, there isn’t much else to say. except i am fifteen years old. that’s it.
i hoped typing about something would distract me, but i guess that wasn’t working at the moment anyway.
actually, it wasn’t even my idea at all, it was jenny’s idea, despite not seeing her in a month. i thought about taking her advise because i rarely do and that sometimes makes me feel horribly guilty. she means well and i know she’s only trying to help me.
but what jenny doesn’t know is that i prefer helping myself sometimes, and sometimes the help of another person can be...slightly unsettling. it’s hard to explain, i know. but being alone can be comforting.
like now.
perhaps i didn’t have to be alone, i thought. i knew mum wouldn’t be finished until around half two at the local pub, so i counted on falling asleep early. mum had left me a note.
Remember to buy milk and bread after school. Oh, and feed Katie at around 4, there is also some kitten milk in the little fridge. Go to sleep as early as possible and don’t leave the house tonight pet because I get worried, Love you - Mumma
i’d tucked it neatly under my notebook. i decided to reach for my mobile phone.
why? because for once, i actually felt lonely. i rarely do because i’m alone so often these days to the point where i’m used to it, but today, i wanted company.
i look down at my phone, tapping my fingers against the back. sometimes i find myself annoying, so i knew brendon would.
right, silly me. i forgot to introduce brendon to you. brendon is my good friend. i like him very very much. he is lovely.
i begin to type, brendon, please visit me,.
he opens the message immediately as always.
brendon: What? Why?
me: because i feel lonely
brendon: No it’s too late
me: please :( for once i don’t feel safe.
brendon: Wait really? Why
me: idk just pls come
brendon: Can’t tho cos mum will get annoyed, call me
the thing is, i didn’t know if i wanted to call him. the sound of my voice seemed weird, especially since i hadn’t spoken in hours. but instead brendon called me. i answered;
“you alright?” he said. brendon’s deep voice was comforting, and so familiar. whenever i’m with him i feel confident and happy.
“i think so. sorry if i’m annoying you.” i have to say that all the time, and sometimes it ends up annoying people even more.
“nah, it’s fine, really. what you doing?”
“i’m on my bed but i’m typing because that’s what jenny says to do when i feel weird.”
“why’d you feel weird?”
“i don’t know.”
“oh.” he said, so nonchalantly. i wondered if i was keeping him awake.
“are you tired?” i asked. brendon’s usually a night owl but i had to make sure.
“not really no.”
there was a long pause, but i didn’t mind. it gave me time to think, and time to type. let me tell you a bit about brendon. he’s fifteen like me, and we both go to the same school. actually, we don’t speak much at school but we’ve been neighbours ever since i moved here when i was young. sometimes we hang out, and we constantly message. he says he sees me as a sister, and i see him as a brother. i think the reason we don’t talk much at school is because he’s forever with his mates. he’s really popular and hangs around our town at night with a few friends in adidas tracksuits or supreme hoodies. i don’t really get along with his friends, but i think brendon’s different to them although they don’t see it. at least when he’s with me he’s different to when he’s with them. one time i told him that, and he laughed for about 4 minutes. but afterwards he agreed with me.
“where’s you mum?” he said.
“down at the pub, but she’ll be back soon, like around 2”
there was another pause.
“can i ask you something?”
i hated when people asked me that. it gives me so much anxiety it’s unreal.
“why don’t you ever call audrey? you know, at times like this?”
“because she’s asleep.”
there was another pause.
“is she not?” i asked.
“yeah yeah, fair enough she is.” brendon has a step sister called audrey who he lives with. audrey’s probably my best friend. when brendon, audrey and i were little we used to go swimming together in the sea, then we’d walk down the pier and eat chips. sometimes i wish we still did that, but we haven’t hung out just us 3 in years.
“but marigold, i mean never call her at all. even if the silly cow is awake, you just never do. and i swear you’re best mates?”
he had a point, but audrey never really helped me when it came to my mental heath. she sometimes mocked it, not in a malicious way, but sometimes i didn’t like it.
“i do sometimes. does it really matter?”
“nah i’m just saying. well i mean, she’s been saying.”
brendon’s bedroom window is directly oposite my bedroom window. “brendon can i see you?” i said giggling.
i stared out into his bedroom window until i saw him. his dark hair was messy and spikey, and he combed it out his pale blue eyes. he was shirtless wearing spongebob pyjama bottoms and white nike socks. his window was a long rectanglar shape so i could see his whole body.
“let me see you then, kitty cat.” he said. ‘kitty cat’ was his pet name for me, but he only used it sometimes. i turned on my light and walked over to my window. i was wearing a big baggy tshirt that ended just above my knees, and long black socks i’d forgotten to take off. my hair is dark too, but a bit lighter brown than brendon’s, and my eyes are greyish green. my eyes are my best feature by far, along with my long thick eyelashes and dark structured brows. i tend to wear darker makeup and my clothing choices range from 1990’s fashion to gothic soft grungy type feel. i don’t go overboard with the gothic stuff though, i’m not a huge emo but sometimes people say i look like one. especially audrey.
brendon’s build is muscular and very tall. i suppose he’s seen as a ‘popular’ guy in our year since half the girls call him ‘well fit’ and ‘peng’. audrey says it makes her want to vomit. i’m slim naturally but mum goes on at me to eat more. when i told audrey i was insecure about my body she ranted about her own, about how fat she was and how she wishes her thighs would just shrink. she says she’d die to have a body like me but i think she’s beautiful, and so is her body.
“you’re still wearing those socks, silly girl” said brendon, laughing. he teased me about my socks at school earlier, saying i look like his granny in stockings.
“oh shut up, put on a shirt on why don’t you?” i teased back, giggling. brendon shook his head, making funny gestures with his hands.
“my phones about to die marigold and bruce has nicked the charger again, sorry. but you’ll be alright now, won’t you?”
“yes. probably.” i said.
and after that, we spoke until his phone completely died. i watched him get into bed and tell me he loves me through the window with his hands. i did the same back, except i didn’t want to go to bed. instead i’ll rant about stuff because i feel like that might make me feel a little better.
where do i start? welcome to marigolds random thoughts...
1. i think being alone is really unhealthy. being here in our little flat all the time is...weird. i don’t like it. i mean, i do, but not when i’m alone. i don’t know how to explain but sometimes i feel like there’s someone else there with me, because sometimes i hear things in my mind that nobody else can hear. i’ve never told anyone because it doesn’t sound like someone in their right mind would say it. everyone knows about my anxiety but sometimes i think theres more too it that nobody knows about. that’s a random thought.
actually, a reaccuring thought.
2. ok, this isn’t another random thought but i need to get this off my chest...
is hearing voices normal? ok yeah i know, stupid question but it’s gotten to the point where it seems normal. do you get me? kind of like, you’re sitting in a classroom and the guy next to you starts eating a whole can of sardines. really really weird. but then the next lesson he does the exact same. again and again, everything single lesson for months. eventually it’s just going to be a normal thing. not exactly normal but you’re used to the same boy eating sardines, so you won’t question it 2 years later. it’s eventually just a fact that he eats sardines. that’s how i feel about me. except i can’t really remember how it all started, which is weird because i like to remember exact dates. it was just a gradual thing, it didn’t happen at once, or at least not as strong as i hear it now.
3. feeling emotionless is nice but not nice at the same time. i find myself often feeling emotionless and flat and it bothers me because i want to experience some sort of excitement.
4. i think my mood swings are more frequent than other girls. sometimes i get really really angry. once i got really really angry at audrey because she was being too loud and obnoxious that i felt weird things happening to me (another thing i can’t explain) and looking back in it i feel awful and regretful. i remember telling her to stop controlling my thoughts over and over again in some sort of weird obsessive way. it really scared her and she never talks about it although i did say sorry and hug her.
i’m going to stop writing now. my arm aches.
it’s 3:57 and my mum is not back. i can’t see well. the voices are back again.
it’s 4:31 and nobody is home. there is a flood. the tap is dripping and the drips turned into a flood. this music won’t stop and my head aches. i’m shouting at nothing and screaming the the taps but it’s not working.
it’s 4:35 and i want it to stop. i smashed a glass and my hand is bleeding. please make it stop. the voices won’t go away ...
it’s 5:21 and people are outside my house. they won’t leave and they want to hurt me .... i’m going
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