Alex Zander
Hey. My name is Alex Zander. And don’t worry, the first time anyone hears of me they think of a boy. Typical, am I right? No, okay, moving on. Though, to be honest I like to dress like a boy on some occasions. And I act like your don’t care-short hair type of gal - only my hair’s longer. We already got that from Wizard’s of Waverly Place. NOW time to move on. I go to Newton High - cough, cough- SECONDARY School, as the folks ‘round here say it. I moved here two weeks ago and I STILL feel like the new girl! Everyone here is so abnormal, like, I can’t even remember the county I live in! And the people, the people, mate, they can actually make you tell the difference between who is and who’s not. My fam-ily had to move to... Anonymous because there was stuff going down at Bondwelth. SIXTEEN FREAKING KIDS WHO I DON’T EVEN KNOW DESTROYED MY SCHOOL, MY HOME AND MURDERED A FEW OF MY FRIENDS! It feels soo good to let that out of my system. Well, that’s behind me now so it’s time to move on (#heartless alex #devilish grin). But then this place is so surrealistic. And here I am: the ordinary, normal, unenthusiastic, stereotypical, average, lame, the-one-who-sticks-to-the-book, uncreative, blank, the-one-who-sits-alone-for-lunch-in-the-cafeteria type of girl. Some life it’s been. The only thing that I do is type picture books on Storybird - okay, it’s fun, but that’s all I could actually do! Type stories...
So the first day at Newton High - SECONDARY, SECONDARY, Secondary, secondary - School has begun! And who am I? ........I actually don’t know how to answer that........ (#awkward silence commences #help me #I feel dead inside #I really need someone to talk to) OKAY ENOUGH CHIT-CHAT, TIME TO MOVE ON!
So Newton Secondary School ( yesss ) is a world of it’s own. Like, it’s practically Hogwarts without magic! And a hint weirdness too. I literally have to carry two KILOGRAMS of salt everywhere I go, just to find the way back to my locker. Why not sugar, spice, everything nice? Because someone licks it up. Yeah - licks. And believe me, I ain’t no troll. And don’t get me started on the cliques - the cliques - I could even tell you how many there are now... How many types of punctuation are there again? Oh yeah, fifteen, totally didn’t look it up (#liar liar #pantsonfire). Well, guess what - y’know what, I’m just going to talk about the cliques. So - from primary to secondary - PERIODS (#muffled laughter #I’m so immature). That good ol’ punctuation mark that is used obliviously when we couldn’t be bothered to use complex sentences. Yeah. There’s a group for that. When they start, they stop. And by that I mean once they start something, they finish it and no second thoughts. Not weird, I know, but you don’t have to worry about that unfinished essay someone refused to finish for you! Question marks. Question marks is this small group which make YOU question everything. They even make you question the things you do know. Like if this perfect glass of water is even water? Are you Keeping Up with the Kardashians? Are you sure that text you made on New Year’s Eve was a sign you were possessed because aren’t we all that shy guy who sits in the toilets for the whole of New Year’s? FREAKING SCEPTIKISTS! And since I am to lazy to even explain the rest of the groups I will just say them in ten words at least. Exclamation marks are the basic Cult of Tumblr. Commas are them wouldn’t-be-surprised cliffhangers you would get in bad films. Parenthesis would always have something and something to add on. Apostrophes are literally texts in real life. Colons always have a list on them. Semicolons are a part of that list! Speech marks are SO IRONIC. Braces make you feel like everytime you pass by their locker, you would have to make sure you stick that box of chocolate assortments and that swoony love note in the most noticable spot EVER. Trust me, I’ve tried. Hypens try so hard to be unique that it actually makes me feel lucky that I don’t spend two years looking for something that rhymes with dove: love (#i’m a total sweetheart). Asterisks are paranthesis times a thousand. And the last group: CAPITAL LETTERS. CAPITAL LETTERS puts the ‘gas’ in ‘gaslighters’. CAPITAL LETTERS are basically a bunch of Jaspers from Steven Universe’. CAPITAL LETTERS make sure you put CAPITAL LETTERS for there name EVERY TIME. Oh! But I forgot this one, have you been counting? Underscores. We are below everyone else. We are belittled by the giants called CAPITAL LETTERS. We are even below full-stops. Do you want to know why I’m saying ‘we’? I am one. I am, an Underscore.
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